Hi B.D.
I'm writing this blog for our 1st Anniversay. Off-hand, it may seem cheap, or lame, or whatever. Well, I don't think so.
I find myself wondering, "What do I have to offer you?" In answering this question, I first come to realize that I don't have anything moneytary to offer you. Certainly not now (maybe down the road, but that's to be seen). The simplest solution for an anniversay seems like a card. I thought about getting you one (even went by a store, but it was closed at the time). I asked myself, "Why, Lil Dew, would you want to get B.D. a card?" I know the answer is that that's what you do for an anniversary. You get your partner a card. Seems weak. Why the card? What matters about the card. Well, what matters most about the card is that one was thinking about the other. And if the other got a card too, then the other was in turn thinking about the other - both thinking about the other. That's the way it should be. So I realize that ANYTHING material or monetary is merely a means to show the other that you are thinking of them.
I don't have any expectations of what our anniversary should be like. Considering the amount of energy we invest in one another day to day, I find it difficult to "out-do" our care for each other on any particular day. However, I think it is wise to take times out to celebrate and enjoy the amazing blessing that is BD & LD.
We are both so fortunate to have found eachother and to have spent such an amazing year of laughter, enjoyment, excitment, growth, discovery, love, and family. BD!!! You are my family. And I yours. WE ARE THE SHIT - but only by the grace of something outside of ourselves. And for that, we are thankful, and should work to never be complacent and forgetful.
Just know that Lil' Dew is THINKING about B.D. (you) and cares for you soooooooooo much!
Love,
L.D.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
This is a test. I'm writing w/ B.D. looking over my shoulder. What now? What now? Who the fuck are you to ask me such a question. I'll tell you what I want to tell you and only when i want to tell you. Ok, so I'm an actor. I make shit up. I like to pretend and live moments as if they aren't real moments. But I don't really make shit up. Being an actor is a REAL part of who I am. So HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Am I acting, or is it just who I am. This is something that has real potential to explain quite a bit of who I am, it's just interesting that I randomly ran into this topic while I'm doing my pretend blog w/ B.D. looking over my shoulder.
OK dammit, lets explore my acting. Many times throughout the day....OK, this blog has lost all of it's steam. OFFICIALLY... To be explore later... If I f#$%ing feel like it. BTW - that's my attempt to curb the F-bombs. Watching B.D. struggle to read them all aloud made me realize it really is one ugly word and perhaps I'm getting into a bad habit using it. So, I propose to meet in the middle, like I just did. For Now...
OK dammit, lets explore my acting. Many times throughout the day....OK, this blog has lost all of it's steam. OFFICIALLY... To be explore later... If I f#$%ing feel like it. BTW - that's my attempt to curb the F-bombs. Watching B.D. struggle to read them all aloud made me realize it really is one ugly word and perhaps I'm getting into a bad habit using it. So, I propose to meet in the middle, like I just did. For Now...
"Today is a winding road, it's taken me to places that I never thought I'd go..." - Great line, just popped into my head.
Isn't it weird how you can listen to a song and enjoy it for so many reasons other than the literary content of the song. And how you might assume that you never had a clue as to what the song was really about, but how sometimes, the words will pop into your head, be profound, and make you realize that you had equated an emotion w/ that song all along, but not until now did you know that you did in fact know what the song was about all that time?
Fucking music is crazy. But then again, it's just a tiny ass piece of this infinite puzzle we exist in called life (then again, LIFE is just some one syllable (then again, SYLLABLE is just some two syllable human effort to explain the unexplainable) human effort to explain the unexplainable) which on the whole, is way fucking crazier than music.
OK. My name is Kyle, You don't need to know much about me. I write to write freely. I write when I'm interested and when I become disinterested, I either realize the source of my disinterest and change course for a more interesting experience, or I quit.SO, what's interesting? I find myself asking that question quite a bit these days. I've realized a lot of things.
1. There seems to be so much to every discussion. So many sides to ponder. So many loose ends. "Well, it could be this, but you know, it could be that. Could mean this, but could also mean that..... You know, I know he killed ten fucking people, but he must have a had a tough childhood.
2. I'm a fucking walking contradiction. We all are. B/c I wanted to make point number two be that point number 1 is bullshit. But the reality is, it's not. It's the fucking truth. THE FUCKING TRUTH!!!
3. Point number 1 is the fucking truth. There is no right or wrong. Everything is both black and white. There aren't just two sides to every story, there are infinite sides. What's the point of all this? We'll, in order to find interest in things, I think we must first figure out why we do the things we do, and consider what the hell we should in fact be doing.
Ok, I know you don't follow b/c I can't even follow myself right now. I'm lead by emotion right now, not by rationale. My emotional state would be best described as minorly frustrated (in general) w/ a dash of optimism, topped w/ an ounce or two or three of confusion (but not confused by the fact that I'm confused - meaning this minor state of confusion is a potentially good thing in that it leads to great ponderance and ultimately expression!).
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Expression. I'm learning that I'm always learning, but more specifically, I'm learning that Expression is a powerful tool. Unedited, unscripted, real fucking expression. How do you feel? How do I feel? We do a damn good job of masking how we truly feel almost all of the time. Have you expressed yourself today? Are you really as tidy on the inside as your daily persona indicates.
Don't bother to answer, just express yourself!
Isn't it weird how you can listen to a song and enjoy it for so many reasons other than the literary content of the song. And how you might assume that you never had a clue as to what the song was really about, but how sometimes, the words will pop into your head, be profound, and make you realize that you had equated an emotion w/ that song all along, but not until now did you know that you did in fact know what the song was about all that time?
Fucking music is crazy. But then again, it's just a tiny ass piece of this infinite puzzle we exist in called life (then again, LIFE is just some one syllable (then again, SYLLABLE is just some two syllable human effort to explain the unexplainable) human effort to explain the unexplainable) which on the whole, is way fucking crazier than music.
OK. My name is Kyle, You don't need to know much about me. I write to write freely. I write when I'm interested and when I become disinterested, I either realize the source of my disinterest and change course for a more interesting experience, or I quit.SO, what's interesting? I find myself asking that question quite a bit these days. I've realized a lot of things.
1. There seems to be so much to every discussion. So many sides to ponder. So many loose ends. "Well, it could be this, but you know, it could be that. Could mean this, but could also mean that..... You know, I know he killed ten fucking people, but he must have a had a tough childhood.
2. I'm a fucking walking contradiction. We all are. B/c I wanted to make point number two be that point number 1 is bullshit. But the reality is, it's not. It's the fucking truth. THE FUCKING TRUTH!!!
3. Point number 1 is the fucking truth. There is no right or wrong. Everything is both black and white. There aren't just two sides to every story, there are infinite sides. What's the point of all this? We'll, in order to find interest in things, I think we must first figure out why we do the things we do, and consider what the hell we should in fact be doing.
Ok, I know you don't follow b/c I can't even follow myself right now. I'm lead by emotion right now, not by rationale. My emotional state would be best described as minorly frustrated (in general) w/ a dash of optimism, topped w/ an ounce or two or three of confusion (but not confused by the fact that I'm confused - meaning this minor state of confusion is a potentially good thing in that it leads to great ponderance and ultimately expression!).
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Expression. I'm learning that I'm always learning, but more specifically, I'm learning that Expression is a powerful tool. Unedited, unscripted, real fucking expression. How do you feel? How do I feel? We do a damn good job of masking how we truly feel almost all of the time. Have you expressed yourself today? Are you really as tidy on the inside as your daily persona indicates.
Don't bother to answer, just express yourself!
It's the morning again...
OK Yesterday, formerly known as Tomorrow and Today, how did I do?
Well Kyle, Let's see, off the top of my methaphorical head, I'd say you got a C. Why is that? Well, you passed the easier parts of me w/ flying colors, but you also failed the hard parts of me quite miserably. However, don't be discouraged, b/c conquering me (not really conquering me, but you know what I mean) is a process and doesn't happen overnight. It takes a lifetime.
You drank your 2 massive glasses of water and stayed hydrated throughout the day! Good Job. That made a huge difference in your ability to feel positive and energetic. You also did your run, but was it all fun? NO. You stretched and I'd say it was moderately fun at best. Not great, but not to be condemned.
OK, you missed the beat on transitioning out of the easy morning hours and into the afternoon/evening session. You did pick up the pace in the evening w/ a really fun mean w/ B.D. So kudos there.
OK dickhead, listen to yourself. What did you learn from yesterday? Any thoughts on transitioning into the afternoon? Also, did you fucking meditate or not? Did you fucking meditate? NO, you didn't. Weren't you supposed to? Why didn't you? Why did it break down? Let's see, why wasn't the run ALL fun? You didn't listen to your body fully, you wanted to run a certain distance and speed, and on top of that, you gave a fuck about what other people out there thought about your running and you let it affect your style and pace. Not a good thing!
More later, B.D. is on a con. call...
OK Yesterday, formerly known as Tomorrow and Today, how did I do?
Well Kyle, Let's see, off the top of my methaphorical head, I'd say you got a C. Why is that? Well, you passed the easier parts of me w/ flying colors, but you also failed the hard parts of me quite miserably. However, don't be discouraged, b/c conquering me (not really conquering me, but you know what I mean) is a process and doesn't happen overnight. It takes a lifetime.
You drank your 2 massive glasses of water and stayed hydrated throughout the day! Good Job. That made a huge difference in your ability to feel positive and energetic. You also did your run, but was it all fun? NO. You stretched and I'd say it was moderately fun at best. Not great, but not to be condemned.
OK, you missed the beat on transitioning out of the easy morning hours and into the afternoon/evening session. You did pick up the pace in the evening w/ a really fun mean w/ B.D. So kudos there.
OK dickhead, listen to yourself. What did you learn from yesterday? Any thoughts on transitioning into the afternoon? Also, did you fucking meditate or not? Did you fucking meditate? NO, you didn't. Weren't you supposed to? Why didn't you? Why did it break down? Let's see, why wasn't the run ALL fun? You didn't listen to your body fully, you wanted to run a certain distance and speed, and on top of that, you gave a fuck about what other people out there thought about your running and you let it affect your style and pace. Not a good thing!
More later, B.D. is on a con. call...
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I started to read what I just wrote and began to bore the shit out of myself. I said NO EDITING dammit!
Must we look back to learn? Must we make sense of our past to further enjoy our future? Maybe so. I guess my past has just always been something that I didn't really want to look back at? Maybe it's b/c my childhood was rotten w/ divorce and abandonment. Maybe it's because my adolescence was rotten w/ dealing w/ wanting to be w/ older men and lying about it (and by lying I mean dedicating every second of every day to trying not to be picked up as Gay.) Maybe too it's because my years following adolescence were rotten w/ drug abuse trying to mask the inability to be myself b/c I felt that exposing my true self would be the end all. Looking back - in a rare moment of looking back, I realize that I completely avoided looking back. HOLY SHIT! My younger years were fucking awful. I mean FUCKING AWFUL.
But it wasn't all bad. There were many many many moments, stretches of amazing enjoyment of life. What were they? Soccer (being part of a team - I really miss that), Friends, Golf (the thrill of preparing to play your best, and competing to WIN). I'm sure there are others, but this is boring me and isn't the direction I was looking to go.
My past was fucked up. Somehow though, identifying that, expressing that, I realize that I did have a past. And I can learn from it. I'm not condemned to it. I can re-emerse myself in the things I loved to do, and I can seek out the things I missed out on. It's not a death sentence to have lived a fucked up life. The death sentence comes from either avoiding it's reality, or trying to live your life shaped around the notions of what it should have been. I do have a past, and I do have a future.
Cool.
Must we look back to learn? Must we make sense of our past to further enjoy our future? Maybe so. I guess my past has just always been something that I didn't really want to look back at? Maybe it's b/c my childhood was rotten w/ divorce and abandonment. Maybe it's because my adolescence was rotten w/ dealing w/ wanting to be w/ older men and lying about it (and by lying I mean dedicating every second of every day to trying not to be picked up as Gay.) Maybe too it's because my years following adolescence were rotten w/ drug abuse trying to mask the inability to be myself b/c I felt that exposing my true self would be the end all. Looking back - in a rare moment of looking back, I realize that I completely avoided looking back. HOLY SHIT! My younger years were fucking awful. I mean FUCKING AWFUL.
But it wasn't all bad. There were many many many moments, stretches of amazing enjoyment of life. What were they? Soccer (being part of a team - I really miss that), Friends, Golf (the thrill of preparing to play your best, and competing to WIN). I'm sure there are others, but this is boring me and isn't the direction I was looking to go.
My past was fucked up. Somehow though, identifying that, expressing that, I realize that I did have a past. And I can learn from it. I'm not condemned to it. I can re-emerse myself in the things I loved to do, and I can seek out the things I missed out on. It's not a death sentence to have lived a fucked up life. The death sentence comes from either avoiding it's reality, or trying to live your life shaped around the notions of what it should have been. I do have a past, and I do have a future.
Cool.
It's the morning now. And I feel much better thank you... 2 big glasses of water down the hatch.
I want to meet the kind of person who says, "Gibbledy Gobbledy Goooooooooooooooo," out of the blue. Then I want to know why they said that. If they can enlighten me w/ a rationalistic explanation, then they are my new friend. If not, they may just be retarded - which is OK, just not conducive to having meaningful communicative interaction moving forward in the future. I would also like to meet people who talk about meeting people who say random shit out of the blue, but who also have a meaningful rationale as to why they did what they did. In such a case, they, if we're destined to be friends, probably did such a thing b/c they FUCKING WANTED TO!!!
Do what you want to do!!!
Dear Today,
I know I referred to you as Tomorrow yesterday, but you must understand, things Change. So get over it! Either we evolve together or not at all. OK Today, I've had my water, I've had my cereal, I've dabbled w/ the 'production' of my cousins site. Now I want to come to understand how I break through the morning rush, and spread my wings throughout the rest of the day. WHAT DO I DO? OK - I need to mediate. You're right. It's the only place I can go and be a spectator to my own internal undertakings. Every time I go there, I find myself pleasantly surprised at the wonderfullness of my underlying nature. It's a good thing. Usually thoughts of reconnecting w/ people, caring for people, doing kind things for people, surface. However, is it b/c I didn't have someone walking hand in hand w/ me to show me that its not just the thought that counts, but it's also the deliverance of action from thought that truly completes the cycle and bring real satisfaction? Or is it that I'm to lazy to do the things I think of? I think its the first, however, sad but true, does that mean I'm destined to not carry out the potential I have w/in? Cause that would suck. But it seems to be the case.
How, if you didn't learn as a child, do you foster something w/in yourself? Seems hard to create a situation where you act according to reasons outside of yourself from within yourself? Ya know?
I want to meet the kind of person who says, "Gibbledy Gobbledy Goooooooooooooooo," out of the blue. Then I want to know why they said that. If they can enlighten me w/ a rationalistic explanation, then they are my new friend. If not, they may just be retarded - which is OK, just not conducive to having meaningful communicative interaction moving forward in the future. I would also like to meet people who talk about meeting people who say random shit out of the blue, but who also have a meaningful rationale as to why they did what they did. In such a case, they, if we're destined to be friends, probably did such a thing b/c they FUCKING WANTED TO!!!
Do what you want to do!!!
Dear Today,
I know I referred to you as Tomorrow yesterday, but you must understand, things Change. So get over it! Either we evolve together or not at all. OK Today, I've had my water, I've had my cereal, I've dabbled w/ the 'production' of my cousins site. Now I want to come to understand how I break through the morning rush, and spread my wings throughout the rest of the day. WHAT DO I DO? OK - I need to mediate. You're right. It's the only place I can go and be a spectator to my own internal undertakings. Every time I go there, I find myself pleasantly surprised at the wonderfullness of my underlying nature. It's a good thing. Usually thoughts of reconnecting w/ people, caring for people, doing kind things for people, surface. However, is it b/c I didn't have someone walking hand in hand w/ me to show me that its not just the thought that counts, but it's also the deliverance of action from thought that truly completes the cycle and bring real satisfaction? Or is it that I'm to lazy to do the things I think of? I think its the first, however, sad but true, does that mean I'm destined to not carry out the potential I have w/in? Cause that would suck. But it seems to be the case.
How, if you didn't learn as a child, do you foster something w/in yourself? Seems hard to create a situation where you act according to reasons outside of yourself from within yourself? Ya know?
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
For dinner, We're going to prepare a healthy meal. Carb/protein/water (I'm going to down two glasses of water right this fucking second! FUCKING WATER EMERGENCY ALL THE TIME!!!
DEPRESSED b/c of lack of fucking water - How pitifull and shamefull is that this day in age - for fuck's sake, go get a glass of fucking water!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
OK, so I have dehydrated depression. Why do I forget this shit?
Dear Tomorrow,
I know I have neglected you so many times in the past, mostly coming to you w/o a plan, but you will be different... tomorrow.
Ok, I wake up, drink two massive glasses of water, jog (FOR FUN), stretch (FOR FUN), take a shower " ". Then what? This is where it sometimes falls apart - probably b/c I've skipped step 1 which is to drink some fucking water. So I've drank the water.
Now what?
DEPRESSED b/c of lack of fucking water - How pitifull and shamefull is that this day in age - for fuck's sake, go get a glass of fucking water!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
OK, so I have dehydrated depression. Why do I forget this shit?
Dear Tomorrow,
I know I have neglected you so many times in the past, mostly coming to you w/o a plan, but you will be different... tomorrow.
Ok, I wake up, drink two massive glasses of water, jog (FOR FUN), stretch (FOR FUN), take a shower " ". Then what? This is where it sometimes falls apart - probably b/c I've skipped step 1 which is to drink some fucking water. So I've drank the water.
Now what?
Addiction....
Dammit! I'm addicted....to everything!!! What is addiction? Is it doing something that you can't stop even though it doesn't seem like something healthy to do? Sounds about right. Who determines whether it's healthy or not? I think the person who is addicted does. This means that there are probably people who do the same things but have different opinions on whether or not they are addicted to something.
I get addicted to everything. Perhaps, someone like me, is best suited to find 'healthy' addictions. Is that the answer? The only trouble is, addiction leads to too much intensity which leads to burning out which leads to other addictions. Is there an answer? Or does it go back to creating a healthy addiction around a healthy goal which is attainable before burnout occurs which spawns another healthy attainable goal? Sounds good to me.
My new healthy addiction is this blog... I'm thinking, every time I'm inspired to partake in my other 'unhealthy' addictions (as deemed so by yours truly), I will dive into this blog.
Dammit! I'm addicted....to everything!!! What is addiction? Is it doing something that you can't stop even though it doesn't seem like something healthy to do? Sounds about right. Who determines whether it's healthy or not? I think the person who is addicted does. This means that there are probably people who do the same things but have different opinions on whether or not they are addicted to something.
I get addicted to everything. Perhaps, someone like me, is best suited to find 'healthy' addictions. Is that the answer? The only trouble is, addiction leads to too much intensity which leads to burning out which leads to other addictions. Is there an answer? Or does it go back to creating a healthy addiction around a healthy goal which is attainable before burnout occurs which spawns another healthy attainable goal? Sounds good to me.
My new healthy addiction is this blog... I'm thinking, every time I'm inspired to partake in my other 'unhealthy' addictions (as deemed so by yours truly), I will dive into this blog.
...I got to thinking...
What would my friends and old acquaintances think of what I've become. Of who I am today? I don't think I like what I see. Not the gay thing. That's fine. But the lack of responsibility. The lack of concern for others (I have concern, just don't act as accordingly as I'm thinking I should). The lack of drive and interest - thought I'm interested in things, I'm not clear on how they can drive me - to succeed.
Which leads me to RESPONSIBILITY... of which I have none. Of which I think I should have some. Taking care of something other than my sorry ass for a change might ground me in something other than my sorry ass for a change. ME ME ME ME ME ME !!! ME! WTF...How selfish am I? I could use a change.
Why responsibility? B/c it gives you a reason outside of purely exciting yourself to do things. Why go for a walk at 6:00 in the morning? B/c the dog needs/wants to? Why carry around a bucket of water? B/c the plants can't live w/o it? Why? Why? Why? B/c something other than doing for your own ass needs to be done! That's WHY!
OK, it's not as grim a picture as potentially expressed back there, but it is a SERIOUS issue. I need responsibility. I need responsibility. I need responsibility. (LOOKING INTO A MIRROR NOW - "I need responsibility!")
OK.
What would my friends and old acquaintances think of what I've become. Of who I am today? I don't think I like what I see. Not the gay thing. That's fine. But the lack of responsibility. The lack of concern for others (I have concern, just don't act as accordingly as I'm thinking I should). The lack of drive and interest - thought I'm interested in things, I'm not clear on how they can drive me - to succeed.
Which leads me to RESPONSIBILITY... of which I have none. Of which I think I should have some. Taking care of something other than my sorry ass for a change might ground me in something other than my sorry ass for a change. ME ME ME ME ME ME !!! ME! WTF...How selfish am I? I could use a change.
Why responsibility? B/c it gives you a reason outside of purely exciting yourself to do things. Why go for a walk at 6:00 in the morning? B/c the dog needs/wants to? Why carry around a bucket of water? B/c the plants can't live w/o it? Why? Why? Why? B/c something other than doing for your own ass needs to be done! That's WHY!
OK, it's not as grim a picture as potentially expressed back there, but it is a SERIOUS issue. I need responsibility. I need responsibility. I need responsibility. (LOOKING INTO A MIRROR NOW - "I need responsibility!")
OK.
More...
Frustration is a source of what? Why frustration? Better yet, what is frustration? Where does it come from?
In my dictionary, frustration is aroused by being forced, better yet, feeling forced (b/c you're not really forced, you're free to do whatever the fuck you want) to do something you don't want to do at any moment in time. Small bouts of frustration. Large bouts. They come in all shapes and sizes. JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT TO FUCKING DO!!!
Ok, is life just frustrating at times and that's the bottom line? It's unavoidable, manageable, but unavoidable nonetheless? Maybe... Seems hard to erase all frustration.
OK Kyle, erase all frustration. What do you do? The Buddhists say, "Don't cling to shit!" Basically, stop giving a fuck about anything and you'll find the APEX (as I/and a friend) call it. It's the place where everything is the shit. Where the slightest movement in any other direction from any point of reference (mental or physical or theoretical) can lead to a complete downfall from apexocity.
Ok, something new, something exciting.....
Frustration is a source of what? Why frustration? Better yet, what is frustration? Where does it come from?
In my dictionary, frustration is aroused by being forced, better yet, feeling forced (b/c you're not really forced, you're free to do whatever the fuck you want) to do something you don't want to do at any moment in time. Small bouts of frustration. Large bouts. They come in all shapes and sizes. JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT TO FUCKING DO!!!
Ok, is life just frustrating at times and that's the bottom line? It's unavoidable, manageable, but unavoidable nonetheless? Maybe... Seems hard to erase all frustration.
OK Kyle, erase all frustration. What do you do? The Buddhists say, "Don't cling to shit!" Basically, stop giving a fuck about anything and you'll find the APEX (as I/and a friend) call it. It's the place where everything is the shit. Where the slightest movement in any other direction from any point of reference (mental or physical or theoretical) can lead to a complete downfall from apexocity.
Ok, something new, something exciting.....
I typed this up b/c a friend told me too. Should I have?
For anyone interested and beyond....
Someone once told me that if I didn't pick up my balls and deliver my sales pitch (referring to work I'd done w/o being commissioned to do it), then everything I did was for nothing. [Even as I begin writing this, I find myself struggling to avoid trying to produce something as opposed to just expressing myself.
Considering I haven't 'expressed' myself in so long...
For Example, I'm at the coffee shop (where I work) and I'm 'interrupted' by a customer, Anthony. When I try to regain my efforts from prior and get back on track I realize I'm trying to 'produce' as opposed to go w/ the flow and 'report'. I'd rather be a reporter and so, I bring to you live, "Kyle, starring in Why do we do what we do, and what the hell should we really be doing?"
First order of business...Was the uncommissioned work I mentioned all for nothing if I didn't grow some balls or at least cup my tiny cohones (sp?) and get my ass moving? I guess, if I was acting as producer. If my creation was a product of what I thought someone else wanted and its state was inhibited by such non-creative means. However, if I created the piece via instinctive flow and organic creation, then no, my balls are fine.
Second order of business... WTF! Yeah, WTF is up w/ pressure this and pressure that? Them: "More, more, more. No, that's not enough! More!" Me: "More of what?" Them: "More of everything you underachieving dickhead! " More of everything is what THEY want.
Third order of business... Who the fuck are THEY? As in other people's mind (I assume), I too have a group of randomly selected people who don't really exist, but who, when they do exist, are extremely stereotyped by yours truly and by default come to stand for anything and everything I don't like about myself.
An example you say?
OK. "THEY'RE so fucking annoying. I'm so sick of people who always want more. They're never satisfied." So now, people like me, who just want to chill and have a good time, must either pick up their fucking balls and make a skanky sales pitch, or settle as a self-perceived underachieving douch who lives off of other people's theory on MORE!
OK. Today's another day. So far from yesterday. Where do I go? I seem to hold onto nothing from the past. Is that a disorder? As far as I can tell, it's not very orderly. Though as a child, I recall not recalling so much either. Perhaps a social disorder from a broken home? Perhaps a guarded mind set to avoid pain. Can't feel pain if you can't remember why or what for. Interesting further, if I 'choose/happen' to think back to yesterday, I can remember every single thing I did.
...fucking editing. I'm writing thinking, "oh, I'll just hit the highlights then edit it later." Fuck that! Why not complete thoughts now. Fucking editing...
OK, so what wasn't I saying? Stuff about not producing. More reporting and flowing. Less producing and now editing.
I'm "producing" a website for my cousin and I'm so fucking sick of editing it that I can't even bring myself to create a simple contact page. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
...scattered is the mind of one who becomes disinterested...OK, what's interesting? (From yesterday and today)
-running for fun
-hangin w/ natalie
-making dinner/hanging w/ B.D.
-showering-driving in beautiful weather this morning
-eating
-meditating
Ok, need to do more of those things. They're interesting.
AH HA!! A blog or website for ramblings and such. Others may find interest in my sharings. Learning to let go/go w/ the flow is a great lesson. Easier said than done though.
What's the extent of 'Letting Go'?
1. Allowing yourself to enter situations that are potentially life altering/threatening for the flow and adventure of letting go? (i.e. exploring a new place, finding untrodden land/or water/or whatever.)
2. Caring not what people think about the results of your behavioral Let-Go.
OK. OK. The pieces... many many pieces. The puzzle is intricate, many pieces, complex. Is life like working a puzzle w/ infinite pieces? (i.e. You'll never finish)?I think so, meaning we must come to terms w/ this notion of never finishing something. Is it OK? It better fucking be or we're in a mental quandary. Am I in a mental quandary? Am I going to be OK working this kind of puzzle?
Cool...Our frame is here.
No, it's not.
Now I've wasted 10 min. being a social weirdo. Or have I learned something? However, what point do you (after making the same mistakes over and over) say, "I haven't learned shit?"I heard the UPS/Fed EX truck... I assume it's our frame, but it's not. I go inside (from the back deck)...Now I'm fucking producing again. I know this b/c I'm boring myself writing and fell like I want to quit.
What will sustain me for the next many years? What interesting things are out there for me?This leads to Goals!!!! The missing link of those who aren't inspired or driven. Goals!!!! I need goals, which meet my interests NOW, not 10 years ago. And realistic, attainable goals.
I'm going to create a blog for journals and interesting shit now....
For anyone interested and beyond....
Someone once told me that if I didn't pick up my balls and deliver my sales pitch (referring to work I'd done w/o being commissioned to do it), then everything I did was for nothing. [Even as I begin writing this, I find myself struggling to avoid trying to produce something as opposed to just expressing myself.
Considering I haven't 'expressed' myself in so long...
For Example, I'm at the coffee shop (where I work) and I'm 'interrupted' by a customer, Anthony. When I try to regain my efforts from prior and get back on track I realize I'm trying to 'produce' as opposed to go w/ the flow and 'report'. I'd rather be a reporter and so, I bring to you live, "Kyle, starring in Why do we do what we do, and what the hell should we really be doing?"
First order of business...Was the uncommissioned work I mentioned all for nothing if I didn't grow some balls or at least cup my tiny cohones (sp?) and get my ass moving? I guess, if I was acting as producer. If my creation was a product of what I thought someone else wanted and its state was inhibited by such non-creative means. However, if I created the piece via instinctive flow and organic creation, then no, my balls are fine.
Second order of business... WTF! Yeah, WTF is up w/ pressure this and pressure that? Them: "More, more, more. No, that's not enough! More!" Me: "More of what?" Them: "More of everything you underachieving dickhead! " More of everything is what THEY want.
Third order of business... Who the fuck are THEY? As in other people's mind (I assume), I too have a group of randomly selected people who don't really exist, but who, when they do exist, are extremely stereotyped by yours truly and by default come to stand for anything and everything I don't like about myself.
An example you say?
OK. "THEY'RE so fucking annoying. I'm so sick of people who always want more. They're never satisfied." So now, people like me, who just want to chill and have a good time, must either pick up their fucking balls and make a skanky sales pitch, or settle as a self-perceived underachieving douch who lives off of other people's theory on MORE!
OK. Today's another day. So far from yesterday. Where do I go? I seem to hold onto nothing from the past. Is that a disorder? As far as I can tell, it's not very orderly. Though as a child, I recall not recalling so much either. Perhaps a social disorder from a broken home? Perhaps a guarded mind set to avoid pain. Can't feel pain if you can't remember why or what for. Interesting further, if I 'choose/happen' to think back to yesterday, I can remember every single thing I did.
...fucking editing. I'm writing thinking, "oh, I'll just hit the highlights then edit it later." Fuck that! Why not complete thoughts now. Fucking editing...
OK, so what wasn't I saying? Stuff about not producing. More reporting and flowing. Less producing and now editing.
I'm "producing" a website for my cousin and I'm so fucking sick of editing it that I can't even bring myself to create a simple contact page. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
...scattered is the mind of one who becomes disinterested...OK, what's interesting? (From yesterday and today)
-running for fun
-hangin w/ natalie
-making dinner/hanging w/ B.D.
-showering-driving in beautiful weather this morning
-eating
-meditating
Ok, need to do more of those things. They're interesting.
AH HA!! A blog or website for ramblings and such. Others may find interest in my sharings. Learning to let go/go w/ the flow is a great lesson. Easier said than done though.
What's the extent of 'Letting Go'?
1. Allowing yourself to enter situations that are potentially life altering/threatening for the flow and adventure of letting go? (i.e. exploring a new place, finding untrodden land/or water/or whatever.)
2. Caring not what people think about the results of your behavioral Let-Go.
OK. OK. The pieces... many many pieces. The puzzle is intricate, many pieces, complex. Is life like working a puzzle w/ infinite pieces? (i.e. You'll never finish)?I think so, meaning we must come to terms w/ this notion of never finishing something. Is it OK? It better fucking be or we're in a mental quandary. Am I in a mental quandary? Am I going to be OK working this kind of puzzle?
Cool...Our frame is here.
No, it's not.
Now I've wasted 10 min. being a social weirdo. Or have I learned something? However, what point do you (after making the same mistakes over and over) say, "I haven't learned shit?"I heard the UPS/Fed EX truck... I assume it's our frame, but it's not. I go inside (from the back deck)...Now I'm fucking producing again. I know this b/c I'm boring myself writing and fell like I want to quit.
What will sustain me for the next many years? What interesting things are out there for me?This leads to Goals!!!! The missing link of those who aren't inspired or driven. Goals!!!! I need goals, which meet my interests NOW, not 10 years ago. And realistic, attainable goals.
I'm going to create a blog for journals and interesting shit now....
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