I typed this up b/c a friend told me too. Should I have?

For anyone interested and beyond....

Someone once told me that if I didn't pick up my balls and deliver my sales pitch (referring to work I'd done w/o being commissioned to do it), then everything I did was for nothing. [Even as I begin writing this, I find myself struggling to avoid trying to produce something as opposed to just expressing myself.

Considering I haven't 'expressed' myself in so long...

For Example, I'm at the coffee shop (where I work) and I'm 'interrupted' by a customer, Anthony. When I try to regain my efforts from prior and get back on track I realize I'm trying to 'produce' as opposed to go w/ the flow and 'report'. I'd rather be a reporter and so, I bring to you live, "Kyle, starring in Why do we do what we do, and what the hell should we really be doing?"

First order of business...Was the uncommissioned work I mentioned all for nothing if I didn't grow some balls or at least cup my tiny cohones (sp?) and get my ass moving? I guess, if I was acting as producer. If my creation was a product of what I thought someone else wanted and its state was inhibited by such non-creative means. However, if I created the piece via instinctive flow and organic creation, then no, my balls are fine.

Second order of business... WTF! Yeah, WTF is up w/ pressure this and pressure that? Them: "More, more, more. No, that's not enough! More!" Me: "More of what?" Them: "More of everything you underachieving dickhead! " More of everything is what THEY want.

Third order of business... Who the fuck are THEY? As in other people's mind (I assume), I too have a group of randomly selected people who don't really exist, but who, when they do exist, are extremely stereotyped by yours truly and by default come to stand for anything and everything I don't like about myself.

An example you say?

OK. "THEY'RE so fucking annoying. I'm so sick of people who always want more. They're never satisfied." So now, people like me, who just want to chill and have a good time, must either pick up their fucking balls and make a skanky sales pitch, or settle as a self-perceived underachieving douch who lives off of other people's theory on MORE!

OK. Today's another day. So far from yesterday. Where do I go? I seem to hold onto nothing from the past. Is that a disorder? As far as I can tell, it's not very orderly. Though as a child, I recall not recalling so much either. Perhaps a social disorder from a broken home? Perhaps a guarded mind set to avoid pain. Can't feel pain if you can't remember why or what for. Interesting further, if I 'choose/happen' to think back to yesterday, I can remember every single thing I did.

...fucking editing. I'm writing thinking, "oh, I'll just hit the highlights then edit it later." Fuck that! Why not complete thoughts now. Fucking editing...

OK, so what wasn't I saying? Stuff about not producing. More reporting and flowing. Less producing and now editing.

I'm "producing" a website for my cousin and I'm so fucking sick of editing it that I can't even bring myself to create a simple contact page. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

...scattered is the mind of one who becomes disinterested...OK, what's interesting? (From yesterday and today)
-running for fun
-hangin w/ natalie
-making dinner/hanging w/ B.D.
-showering-driving in beautiful weather this morning
-eating
-meditating

Ok, need to do more of those things. They're interesting.

AH HA!! A blog or website for ramblings and such. Others may find interest in my sharings. Learning to let go/go w/ the flow is a great lesson. Easier said than done though.

What's the extent of 'Letting Go'?

1. Allowing yourself to enter situations that are potentially life altering/threatening for the flow and adventure of letting go? (i.e. exploring a new place, finding untrodden land/or water/or whatever.)

2. Caring not what people think about the results of your behavioral Let-Go.

OK. OK. The pieces... many many pieces. The puzzle is intricate, many pieces, complex. Is life like working a puzzle w/ infinite pieces? (i.e. You'll never finish)?I think so, meaning we must come to terms w/ this notion of never finishing something. Is it OK? It better fucking be or we're in a mental quandary. Am I in a mental quandary? Am I going to be OK working this kind of puzzle?

Cool...Our frame is here.

No, it's not.

Now I've wasted 10 min. being a social weirdo. Or have I learned something? However, what point do you (after making the same mistakes over and over) say, "I haven't learned shit?"I heard the UPS/Fed EX truck... I assume it's our frame, but it's not. I go inside (from the back deck)...Now I'm fucking producing again. I know this b/c I'm boring myself writing and fell like I want to quit.

What will sustain me for the next many years? What interesting things are out there for me?This leads to Goals!!!! The missing link of those who aren't inspired or driven. Goals!!!! I need goals, which meet my interests NOW, not 10 years ago. And realistic, attainable goals.

I'm going to create a blog for journals and interesting shit now....